May 2026
A Letter
Dear Reader,
I've been playing in my mind different ways to get myself to sit down and write last month's blog post. I've been living at a level of burnout I don't know how to describe to others. I'm very aware of my body's presence as an outer layer of my subconscious. Most of the time, I've been on autopilot physically. In normal cases, this happens because I'm busy thinking or maladaptive daydreaming. In this case, it's from pure dissociation. My thoughts and feelings come and go, but a lot of the time lately, my brain and emotions have hit a blank wall.
In April's post, I mentioned how I realized I never gave myself the proper time to physically rest and heal between all three of my surgeries. This time it's a mix of factors. Every day seems to be something new. I don't dread it or premeditate an expectation for it. Doing so could lead to my only looking for the negative in my life, thus causing me to create my own cycle of daily demise. However, it's also caused high enough stress levels that I'm automatically forgetting the events of the day prior.
I've always liked structure and organization. Writing my blogs was easy, with bullet points to guide my ADHD and ensure I didn't miss anything. I also figured it was an easy way for anyone reading to have the option to skip around places as they choose or have a title to come back to if they needed to take a break from reading. Well, the dopamine in my brain right now says' bullet points and titles are boring. It feels like a chore to fill out, and I barely have the energy to do the basic daily tasks of self-care right now.
I'm tired, but at a level no amount of sleep will cure. As I write this, my body has adjusted pretty well to physical healing. I'm still a little sore now and then, and the first few weeks of work were rough. A lot of it right now is keeping up on pelvic floor therapy because it did cause a lot of muscle tension and guarding. My achilles tendinitis and plantar fasciitis have flared up a little off and on; that's due to me seeing a podiotrist that helped create real custom orthotics for me. They should last me between five and ten years, and even at that, I'll just have to replace the cushion on them and not the silicone. She also helped me find shoes that fit my needs. A pair for work and a pair for daily walks/use. I've noticed a difference with my hips, back, and feet, so that's good.
If I haven't been at work, I've been at home vegetating from exhaustion or at my mom's house helping out with family things. My therapy sessions have ended up extending to two hours with everything I've had to process and unpack. At the start of all of this, my sister was in the hospital, and me staying up all night. I knew that caretaker trauma had seeped back in. Knowing this, I thought I was handling it okay just because I was aware of it. I was wrong; being aware of a fact doesn't mean that you're also aware of every thought and action made in response to a moment of trauma. Maybe it will make sense as I write on.
The start of this month was rough. I was cleared to go back to work and ended up having a severe allergic reaction to Gabapentin. They perscribed me it to help manage my endometriosis pain. When I first took it, it was before bed, so I didn't notice anything. I then returned for my first day back to work and felt more physically sore than I thought I would. I was walking Juno a lot better than I could before, so I figured that maybe work was a new level of pain I didn't think about. My waist was extra sore from bending and twisting, but I started to feel tingling from my shoulders to my hands. This was also a natural assumption of mine. Having tech-neck connected to tendinitis, I figured I may have had a pinched nerve, and it would go away, but it did not. I was also feeling pretty winded, so I assumed that I just needed to adjust back into work was all.
After my shift, I took another pill and proceeded with my evening. Around 8pm, I lay down in bed feeling massive stomach pains as if I was going to throw up. My arms were still tingly numb, and my left leg started to swell. I thought that maybe I overdid it with work, and I should take it easier the following day. 9 pm on the dot, I shot to the bathroom and proceeded to have to shit and vomit at the same time. There was no resting period for me. This went on until about 2 a.m., when I could finally get some sleep. No amount of water stayed down; I'd throw it right back up. I was close to blacking out on the toilet several times. This was different, though; usually, when I almost black out, it's from getting up too fast and my vision going fuzzy, followed by lightheadedness. Lightheadedness or fuzzy vision was occurring. This was a level of terror for me.
We ended up going to Instacare, to which I was turned away. They told me that I must have caught a bug and they cannot give me an I'V because it could cause "complications." I have never had any insurance turn me away for an IV... Sheldon had to bring me in with a wheelchair, and they heard how out of breath I was. So we ended up making our way to an ER instead. I used my cane to walk in so Sheldon could go park the car. The second I came through the door, the receptionist had me sit down and asked if I could answer questions okay because I was clearly out of breath. They didn't hesitate to get me checked in, take blood and urine samples, and hook me up to an IV.
They said I was severely dehydrated and were baffled that the Instacare couldn't even give me an IV. I ended up having two IV's and anti-nausea medication, along with some pain medication that helps people with kidney stones. Whatever it was, it felt amazing. It was the second IV that got my arms to finally stop tingling. The doctors there also thought that maybe I caught whatever bug was going around because, while Gabapentin causes nausea, it seemed too severe. I responded, bug or not, I'm not going to risk trying to adjust to the medication if it's going to cause me to be this incapacitated. Sheldon also never got sick from it, let alone I don't think anyone at my single day would have been THAT sick without me hearing about it. But whatever, my oldest sister is allergic to it, so I'm just going to tell doctors I'm allergic and refuse to take it.
My right eye vision has slowly progressed. At least it's getting better vs. staying blurry? It's just another slow and frustrating process to be patient with. My insecurity at work has been pretty high. I came back to having a few non-compliance mistakes written on me. I know mistakes are lessons to learn from, but it still doesn't keep me from beating myself up over it. I just need to be more careful and self-aware of things if I get into any form of routine. These mistakes weren't all recent, either.
In April's post, I mentioned how I realized I never gave myself the proper time to physically rest and heal between all three of my surgeries. This time it's a mix of factors. Every day seems to be something new. I don't dread it or premeditate an expectation for it. Doing so could lead to my only looking for the negative in my life, thus causing me to create my own cycle of daily demise. However, it's also caused high enough stress levels that I'm automatically forgetting the events of the day prior.
I've always liked structure and organization. Writing my blogs was easy, with bullet points to guide my ADHD and ensure I didn't miss anything. I also figured it was an easy way for anyone reading to have the option to skip around places as they choose or have a title to come back to if they needed to take a break from reading. Well, the dopamine in my brain right now says' bullet points and titles are boring. It feels like a chore to fill out, and I barely have the energy to do the basic daily tasks of self-care right now.
I'm tired, but at a level no amount of sleep will cure. As I write this, my body has adjusted pretty well to physical healing. I'm still a little sore now and then, and the first few weeks of work were rough. A lot of it right now is keeping up on pelvic floor therapy because it did cause a lot of muscle tension and guarding. My achilles tendinitis and plantar fasciitis have flared up a little off and on; that's due to me seeing a podiotrist that helped create real custom orthotics for me. They should last me between five and ten years, and even at that, I'll just have to replace the cushion on them and not the silicone. She also helped me find shoes that fit my needs. A pair for work and a pair for daily walks/use. I've noticed a difference with my hips, back, and feet, so that's good.
If I haven't been at work, I've been at home vegetating from exhaustion or at my mom's house helping out with family things. My therapy sessions have ended up extending to two hours with everything I've had to process and unpack. At the start of all of this, my sister was in the hospital, and me staying up all night. I knew that caretaker trauma had seeped back in. Knowing this, I thought I was handling it okay just because I was aware of it. I was wrong; being aware of a fact doesn't mean that you're also aware of every thought and action made in response to a moment of trauma. Maybe it will make sense as I write on.
The start of this month was rough. I was cleared to go back to work and ended up having a severe allergic reaction to Gabapentin. They perscribed me it to help manage my endometriosis pain. When I first took it, it was before bed, so I didn't notice anything. I then returned for my first day back to work and felt more physically sore than I thought I would. I was walking Juno a lot better than I could before, so I figured that maybe work was a new level of pain I didn't think about. My waist was extra sore from bending and twisting, but I started to feel tingling from my shoulders to my hands. This was also a natural assumption of mine. Having tech-neck connected to tendinitis, I figured I may have had a pinched nerve, and it would go away, but it did not. I was also feeling pretty winded, so I assumed that I just needed to adjust back into work was all.
After my shift, I took another pill and proceeded with my evening. Around 8pm, I lay down in bed feeling massive stomach pains as if I was going to throw up. My arms were still tingly numb, and my left leg started to swell. I thought that maybe I overdid it with work, and I should take it easier the following day. 9 pm on the dot, I shot to the bathroom and proceeded to have to shit and vomit at the same time. There was no resting period for me. This went on until about 2 a.m., when I could finally get some sleep. No amount of water stayed down; I'd throw it right back up. I was close to blacking out on the toilet several times. This was different, though; usually, when I almost black out, it's from getting up too fast and my vision going fuzzy, followed by lightheadedness. Lightheadedness or fuzzy vision was occurring. This was a level of terror for me.
We ended up going to Instacare, to which I was turned away. They told me that I must have caught a bug and they cannot give me an I'V because it could cause "complications." I have never had any insurance turn me away for an IV... Sheldon had to bring me in with a wheelchair, and they heard how out of breath I was. So we ended up making our way to an ER instead. I used my cane to walk in so Sheldon could go park the car. The second I came through the door, the receptionist had me sit down and asked if I could answer questions okay because I was clearly out of breath. They didn't hesitate to get me checked in, take blood and urine samples, and hook me up to an IV.
They said I was severely dehydrated and were baffled that the Instacare couldn't even give me an IV. I ended up having two IV's and anti-nausea medication, along with some pain medication that helps people with kidney stones. Whatever it was, it felt amazing. It was the second IV that got my arms to finally stop tingling. The doctors there also thought that maybe I caught whatever bug was going around because, while Gabapentin causes nausea, it seemed too severe. I responded, bug or not, I'm not going to risk trying to adjust to the medication if it's going to cause me to be this incapacitated. Sheldon also never got sick from it, let alone I don't think anyone at my single day would have been THAT sick without me hearing about it. But whatever, my oldest sister is allergic to it, so I'm just going to tell doctors I'm allergic and refuse to take it.
My right eye vision has slowly progressed. At least it's getting better vs. staying blurry? It's just another slow and frustrating process to be patient with. My insecurity at work has been pretty high. I came back to having a few non-compliance mistakes written on me. I know mistakes are lessons to learn from, but it still doesn't keep me from beating myself up over it. I just need to be more careful and self-aware of things if I get into any form of routine. These mistakes weren't all recent, either.
One was from February and another from March. While there were people who did second reviews on my mistakes, I wasn't really as upset with them as I was with the responses I received. The mistake from February was my first and only time making that mistake; it was debated on whether I should have been observed doing this task. Considering I have been at my job for two years and have been doing that task routinely, I didn't feel like an observation was necessary for a one-time mistake. Instead, I just have to do that task twice a month for three months now. They asked if anything was contributing to the mistake, and I mentioned that we were short-staffed from people being on leave and people being pulled for training on our new machine. That's not going to get acknowledged, though. Payroll says we are fully staffed, so regardless of how many bodies are on the floor for the day, it doesn't matter.
My next mistake was something I made in the mornings a couple of times. A couple of times, I mean one was caught in March and another in like April (I don't remember the month specifically). I answered that I wasn't made aware that I had been making this mistake because it wasn't brought to my attention until now. Admit to my faults and fix them, that's all I can get my brain to process in these moments beacuse I am already physically, emotionally, and mentally tired from life. There was one mistake that I caught and fixed that was not a part of the mistake we were talking about. When I explained to my boss that I had caught and fixed a dyslexic mistake, I must have overlooked the other mistake. The response I had gotten was not optimal. I was told that in moments of stress, it's good to take a deep breath and step back to come back to it later. While that's good advice, the end of it was added: "This can also help with dyslexia." ......no.. it absolutely does not help with dyslexia... dyslexia just happens whether or not I'm stressed in a moment. I wasn't even stressed about making the mistake. I looked, I saw, I swapped numbers and fixed it. The bottom line here is that I keep getting told mistakes are okay, mistakes are natural. How am I supposed to feel like they're okay and natural if I feel like 1. two different mistakes made at two very different times, and caught later, are being talked to me as if it's something I was doing daily. And 2. having my own natural mental disability explained to me by someone who doesn't know or understand it. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I'm not in a state of mind or emotion to see if I'm just being too hard on myself. I like my job and need my pay/insurance, so I just want to keep from being laid off.
Another stressful day to handle was the day of leaving work early. Luckily, it was a shift I had picked up for extra hours, but it still wasn't listed as part of my agenda. My sister's husband had his sister fly out and help him clean and remodel the entire house. She caught him up on all of his house payments, she bought him a new fridge, stove, and microwave, as well as painted all of the rooms. We first heard that this was a plan to sell the house, so I ended up being the one to reach out and ask if my nephew could come get some of his things to entertain him while staying at my mom's. I also mentioned that he wanted to see his dad and dogs. I was told yes and brought him up. The first thing that was said when we walked in the door was, "You can't go in your room yet, I'm working on it! I've been busy with your sister's room first," by his aunt, whom he doesn't know very well. I introduced myself, and she did most of the talking for my sister's husband. My nephew played with the dogs, and I was able to set some things down on the table and tell my sister's husband what each thing was that I was asked to bring. The final item was a picture of my nephew in his sixth-grade graduation hat and gown. His dad just said okay and didn't touch anything. My nephew then gave a smaller photo to his aunt and said he's graduating this Thursday, but she just said, "Oh, cute," and put it in her pocket.
His dad then bragged about how he's going to get a game room downstairs for his VR and how his sister is letting them borrow her streaming accounts. He opened Disney+ and was like, "What do you want to watch, buddy?" before my nephew could answer, he selected Boss Baby and said, "Here we go." My nephew said he's too old for Boss Baby, but his dad didn't listen and just let it play. Then the front door opened with my niece and her biological father. As they came up the stairs, they made zero hesitation to proceed to her bedroom. The aunt quickly began explaining that she's been helping clean up the house and commented that she has not had a chance to even start on her room because she was working on the mess of her little brother's room. Which is the opposite of what she just told us. As they went into her bedroom, she followed and apologized for having her items in there, saying that she was sleeping in that room while staying here. This did stop my niece and her dad from pulling out garbage bags and getting started on gathering things.
I took that moment to grab a bag that we brought and said: "Okay, buddy, unlce sheldon has been waiting in the car for a while, so let's start getting some of your stuff too." His aunt immediately blocked his bedroom door and said, "No, no, there's nothing in there to get." She repeated these words in phrases of making fun of how messy his room is and how he doesn't have anything in there. My niece's dad spoke up and said, "How about we let him decide for himself what is and isn't trash in his room?" My nephew was physically upset, and with his autism, I knew he was holding back from bursting. So I told him to just go ahead and go as I started to step forward. This made his aunt back off and open the door, and say, "Have you seen his room? See, there's nothing in there, no clothes, no toys." It was very messy and empty. A bed on the floor with no frame, lots of garbage on the floor, and dirty toys. My nephew started to go through his things while she stood there lecturing him about how he needs to keep his room clean when he moves back home. He came out with about four water guns and a GameCube controller, but no GameCube... I asked if that was all, and he said yes.
All four of us went up the stairs to leave. Their aunt quickly said to my niece, "Are you sure you want to take all of that? You'll just be bringing it all back." Her dad said, "Yes, we are sure." My sister's husband then picked up the graduation photo and said, "What is this again?" and his sister came over and said, "Oh, I think that is mine." My nephew said, "No, that's for dad," and she said, "Oh, that's right, we will have to find a frame and hang this up!" Whatever attempt they were making was only showing my nephew that they didn't care enough about him to listen to or pay attention to him. We all finally got to go; my nephew did act sad about leaving, but it was because he didn't want to leave his dogs.
On the car ride back, he complained about how he didn't like his room being made fun of. They said they weren't getting rid of anything personal, just trash, but then proceeded to call his stuff trash. He keeps mentioning how he wants to live with us, but we sadly can't take him in. I've already tried to emotionally come up with all the different ways we could but it results in the fact that 1. we don't want kids, 2. we don't have the money, time or energy for kids, 3. we are moving to a bigger apartment to have more room, and if we take a kid in it defeats the purpose of having more room.
We dropped him off at my mom's without visiting because I was pretty physically, mentally, and emotionally beat by this time of day. My nephew understood, but it caused my family to become self-conscious. I told them it was nothing personal, I just didn't feel well enough to visit, and I wanted to be home. I also took a while to text because what happened was a novel, and I get car sick if I try to read or be on my phone in a car.
That also turned into a disaster because my sister's mental state is back and forth on "she loves her husband." "She hates her husband." So she told him how upset my nephew was, and it turned into him being upset with me, thinking I was shit-talking about his sister... I don't have the time or energy to try to defend or insert myself into their petty adult drama. This caused me to start to resent my sister. Sure, I'm still sad she almost died, and while I should be happy she's still alive... her brain atrophy is EXHAUSTING... And all I can see are two grown adults who haven't held jobs in two years and have only cared about their marriage and their drinking. The kids are talked about and treated as possessions rather than listened to and cared for. My nephew also thinks that his stuff was hidden before we arrived because he said he had a lot more than that in his room. They probably wanted some sort of leverage to have him want to come home instead of having all of his things.
Let's fast forward. My nephew has his graduation, and of course, his dad doesn't show up. He claimed he was never told about it. (We all received an email about it, and he is listed in the CC list. That day after work, I took Juno and went to my mom's to try to build the bunkbed we got for him. It's a bed with a desk underneath for him to game at. I'm usually the one in my family to build things, so I figured it wouldn't be too hard. I used to have a bunk bed where the bottom bed was a futon that I took from apartment to apartment before I met Sheldon. Everything was going well until it came to the part of building the bed. It needed more than one person to build. My stepdad and the kids wanted to help, but they couldn't hold it still enough to keep it together. This caused my stepdad to question if I was following the instructions and to comment on how stupid it was of them to have it structured this way. It was a negative comment after comment. I became a little frustrated. I kept trying to come up with ways to make it work, and he would either respond with a negative comment about how he doesn't think it will work, or he wouldn't listen and make it worse. For example, I would say "okay lets gently SCOOT this over," and he lifted it up, and it fell apart, to where he would say "see this wasn't going to work." .... I said scoot.. not lift...
I asked my mom to get Juno some food because it was two hours past his dinner time. She asked my niece to. My niece ended up not getting him food, and my mom asked her why. She said she didn't understand what my mom meant by how many cups to use. My mom raised her voice in frustration and snapped at her. This triggered me from my own childhood. I told my mom it's okay and to not get mad if she didn't understand or ask for clarification. We needed to get going. I was only going to get four hours of sleep before work at this point. My nephew got Juno some food, so I said fine, I will try one more idea. I started on my idea, and my stepdad walked up and started lifting things and saying, "There's no way you'll be able to get this up after you finish building this. Just look," and this caused me to have an overstimulation meltdown. I said, "Okay, I need to go home," and as I was choking up, as I always do, I started picking things up and putting them in a corner. I said I will have Sheldon come and help me tomorrow after I'm off work.
He, of course, backpedaled, saying he wasn't trying to upset me, but I was tired.. I get up at 230 in the morning for work, work 10 hours, and come home to help with family stuff, only to have no help, a hungry/not paid attention to dog, and a need to sleep before doing it all over again. The next day, a different sister's husband came to help, and it was a little better, but I still would have had things completed much quicker if it were Sheldon. Sheldon was at work, and we finished with enough time for me to get home and rest that night at least. My stepdad seemed to come off a little sexist in terms of how easier it was for my brother-in-law to do it. But he still didn't listen to him much either when it came to "hold this" or "move over here." Either way, it got done, and the mattress was laid out to fluff up.
The mattress needed 48 hours to air out, so I took my nephew to stay with his sister for the weekend and give my mom a little bit of a break. I took him and his sister over to my mom's on Sunday. That was another adventure of its own. My nephew was so excited to try his bed. The second he lay down on it, my younger niece was asking him if she could go up there. My nephew's face said everything as he stayed quiet. He wanted his new bed to himself. My mom said, "You're being passive-aggressive by not answering your cousin." So I spoke up and said, "Let's let him have some time with his new bed. He's the only one here who hasn't had a real bed to sleep on. My niece huffed and went to her room, and my mom didn't comment. That day also dragged on because I've been paying for the kid's cell phone plans this entire time. I found a new plan that gives them unlimited texts, calls, and internet for $25 a month. $27 a month with scam call protection. So I had to go to each of their accounts and call, transfer their numbers to the new SIMs, and activate them. It took a few hours...
Then the following day, my nephew told me that his phone wasn't working. I had to have my stepdad bring him over, where I spent a couple of hours talking to someone from his old service to find out that his phone was never activated when we got it for him. They couldn't explain why or how that happened. Then I had to transfer his number back to his old SIM because that phone needs to have that companies sim card in it for at least one year before it can be used by any other plan. So, instead of buying him another new phone, it was cheaper to take the $27 loss on the new plan and set his old plan back up. Luckily, the new plan is a no-contract plan, so it could be cancelled at any time.
So yeah, it's been a shit show. I also ended up getting upset with my mom because my sick sister texted us that she just called her son a drama queen for crying over a cookie. I asked what happened. She said that he asked his cousin to get him a cookie, and his cousin told him no. So he got upset. My mom then replied that she just stormed out of her room and got after my niece for telling her cousin no. I intervened. I used the bed example in my response. I told them that the kids need to be taught that they are allowed to say no without the fear of being lectured or yelled at. I also mentioned that if a kid is told no, then they need to be taught that it's okay to be upset, but they need to respect that no. If we teach the kids to say yes all of the time, then they will not only learn to suppress their emotions to please others, but it also learn that having a tantrum when being told no is also okay. My niece didn't deserve to be yelled at for saying no, and my nephew didn't need to be called a drama queen for being upset.
This caused my mom and sister to complain a bout me verbally because my nephew thought that I was mad at him for crying about the cookie. I reassured him that I was not upset with him at all, and it was between the adults and me.
My mom said she's been working hard to teach the kids to share and get along. She just wants to make everyone happy. I told her that's an impossible goal to achieve. I grew up people pleasing to the point that I didn't know what boundaries were, and saying no to something felt mean and selfish. I don't want to see the kids go down the same route, especially when they are all neurodivergent with different parental backgrounds.
What other chaos did I forget to mention? The detectives dropped the case; they said that the police won't file any charges, and an attorney wouldn't take the case on. This has caused my sister's husband to believe that it's all dropped. However, it's not. The APS investigation is still open. I thought it was closed due to family miscommunication, but luckily, it is not. CPS has said that as long as the kids aren't in the home, they won't be taken to foster care. That leaves a huge grey area for custody. Either way, I've had to learn to step back and let my mom handle things because I can look things up for her or give advice until I'm out of breath, but the common pattern seems to be just wanting to complain about things while not doing anything. My only stress and fear is for my nephew at this point. I still want to properly grieve when my sister finally passes, but the person she is right now is not someone I can process grief over at this moment in time. Oh, and her husband keeps going back and forth about saying he's going to move her and their son to Texas or just take another loan out against the equity of their house. So I don't know what's up anymore.
He ended up sending a picture of himself with a 4-month AA chip. If he has been going to AA for four months, that would place him a little before they all were removed from the home. He also had stories during these last few months about how he can't go to AA without a job (not true). Or how he has a job at Burger King but couldn't go to his first day because APS put an ankle monitor on him (APS doesn't do house arrest). And the icing on the cake is the story about how he interviewed for an auto shop store manager position in a city about an hour to two hours out from where he lives. He said he has no experience with cars, but he can learn. Just bruh....
One final event is that my mom allowed him to take my sister and nephew to the pet store to make up for him missing his graduation. He bought my nephew two gold fish, in a temporary tank with weekend feeders.... Nothing else... My mom was kind to go get him a real tank with rocks and fake plants the next day. I got him a water conditioner, a net, and fish food. My sister sent her husband the photo, and he replied: "Your mom always has to one-up me." Dude... you set your autistic son up for failure... gold fish grow FAST! What did you want him to do? Let the fish die, and think he is bad at taking care of pets because his parents set him up for failure from the beginning?!
So yeah.. There you have it. No fun events, nothing exciting. Just me trying to survive right now. Sheldon had to remind me to put my phone down and give him and Juno some attention. I've been trying to focus on walks again with Juno. I know it's my release, even if inside I don't feel anything. I'm in a limbo where I can't nap; I just lie there. I'm reminding myself rest of any form is acceptable. I'm making sure I'm eating, I keep forgetting to, or when I am hungry, I'm making sure it's not out of emotion. I also have been trying different mental health apps just to have some form of structure... Nothing is hitting quite yet for me. We are preparing to move in June, so I'm reminding myself that cleaning isn't as big of a priority yet, but I will need to figure it out once we are unpacked.
I usually think of my days off as this: Sunday family day, Monday/Tuesday appointments, and cleaning. I usually like to have it all over with in one day to have another day to myself. However, taking a whole day to clean or have appointments can be exhausting. Sure, some people split cleaning up week by week or day by day, but I have to adjust the idea in my brain to where I feel okay with it. I just haven't figured it out yet. The finch app was fun, but now it's like Doulingo where I'm like.. meh..
I think that is all for now. I have no idea what else to type. Thank you for sticking with me and making it this far. I really do appreciate those of you who care to be in my life because I am an introvert who pushes people away when I get overstimulated, as well as someone who gets insecure if I come off as always stressed or complaining, etc. So I truly do appreciate you.
Counting my positives... My nieces and nephews all love me and want me to spend time with them. Juno still loves me and gives me all of the cuddles. Team Danner, you two are god-sends for me at work; you both have no idea. My nephew is super excited for me to meet his friends at his birthday party. Uhm... Sheldon's been a super loving and patient husband, and I feel bad that he has had my weight on his shoulders. My in-laws are still gems, and I have some friends who read this and understand that I haven't been social enough to text. So again... thank you. If I didn't mention anyone specifically reading this right now, please don't assume I'm not grateful for you either. I just have one very exhausted brain cell trying to hold it all together and keep me moving.
My next mistake was something I made in the mornings a couple of times. A couple of times, I mean one was caught in March and another in like April (I don't remember the month specifically). I answered that I wasn't made aware that I had been making this mistake because it wasn't brought to my attention until now. Admit to my faults and fix them, that's all I can get my brain to process in these moments beacuse I am already physically, emotionally, and mentally tired from life. There was one mistake that I caught and fixed that was not a part of the mistake we were talking about. When I explained to my boss that I had caught and fixed a dyslexic mistake, I must have overlooked the other mistake. The response I had gotten was not optimal. I was told that in moments of stress, it's good to take a deep breath and step back to come back to it later. While that's good advice, the end of it was added: "This can also help with dyslexia." ......no.. it absolutely does not help with dyslexia... dyslexia just happens whether or not I'm stressed in a moment. I wasn't even stressed about making the mistake. I looked, I saw, I swapped numbers and fixed it. The bottom line here is that I keep getting told mistakes are okay, mistakes are natural. How am I supposed to feel like they're okay and natural if I feel like 1. two different mistakes made at two very different times, and caught later, are being talked to me as if it's something I was doing daily. And 2. having my own natural mental disability explained to me by someone who doesn't know or understand it. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I'm not in a state of mind or emotion to see if I'm just being too hard on myself. I like my job and need my pay/insurance, so I just want to keep from being laid off.
Another stressful day to handle was the day of leaving work early. Luckily, it was a shift I had picked up for extra hours, but it still wasn't listed as part of my agenda. My sister's husband had his sister fly out and help him clean and remodel the entire house. She caught him up on all of his house payments, she bought him a new fridge, stove, and microwave, as well as painted all of the rooms. We first heard that this was a plan to sell the house, so I ended up being the one to reach out and ask if my nephew could come get some of his things to entertain him while staying at my mom's. I also mentioned that he wanted to see his dad and dogs. I was told yes and brought him up. The first thing that was said when we walked in the door was, "You can't go in your room yet, I'm working on it! I've been busy with your sister's room first," by his aunt, whom he doesn't know very well. I introduced myself, and she did most of the talking for my sister's husband. My nephew played with the dogs, and I was able to set some things down on the table and tell my sister's husband what each thing was that I was asked to bring. The final item was a picture of my nephew in his sixth-grade graduation hat and gown. His dad just said okay and didn't touch anything. My nephew then gave a smaller photo to his aunt and said he's graduating this Thursday, but she just said, "Oh, cute," and put it in her pocket.
His dad then bragged about how he's going to get a game room downstairs for his VR and how his sister is letting them borrow her streaming accounts. He opened Disney+ and was like, "What do you want to watch, buddy?" before my nephew could answer, he selected Boss Baby and said, "Here we go." My nephew said he's too old for Boss Baby, but his dad didn't listen and just let it play. Then the front door opened with my niece and her biological father. As they came up the stairs, they made zero hesitation to proceed to her bedroom. The aunt quickly began explaining that she's been helping clean up the house and commented that she has not had a chance to even start on her room because she was working on the mess of her little brother's room. Which is the opposite of what she just told us. As they went into her bedroom, she followed and apologized for having her items in there, saying that she was sleeping in that room while staying here. This did stop my niece and her dad from pulling out garbage bags and getting started on gathering things.
I took that moment to grab a bag that we brought and said: "Okay, buddy, unlce sheldon has been waiting in the car for a while, so let's start getting some of your stuff too." His aunt immediately blocked his bedroom door and said, "No, no, there's nothing in there to get." She repeated these words in phrases of making fun of how messy his room is and how he doesn't have anything in there. My niece's dad spoke up and said, "How about we let him decide for himself what is and isn't trash in his room?" My nephew was physically upset, and with his autism, I knew he was holding back from bursting. So I told him to just go ahead and go as I started to step forward. This made his aunt back off and open the door, and say, "Have you seen his room? See, there's nothing in there, no clothes, no toys." It was very messy and empty. A bed on the floor with no frame, lots of garbage on the floor, and dirty toys. My nephew started to go through his things while she stood there lecturing him about how he needs to keep his room clean when he moves back home. He came out with about four water guns and a GameCube controller, but no GameCube... I asked if that was all, and he said yes.
All four of us went up the stairs to leave. Their aunt quickly said to my niece, "Are you sure you want to take all of that? You'll just be bringing it all back." Her dad said, "Yes, we are sure." My sister's husband then picked up the graduation photo and said, "What is this again?" and his sister came over and said, "Oh, I think that is mine." My nephew said, "No, that's for dad," and she said, "Oh, that's right, we will have to find a frame and hang this up!" Whatever attempt they were making was only showing my nephew that they didn't care enough about him to listen to or pay attention to him. We all finally got to go; my nephew did act sad about leaving, but it was because he didn't want to leave his dogs.
On the car ride back, he complained about how he didn't like his room being made fun of. They said they weren't getting rid of anything personal, just trash, but then proceeded to call his stuff trash. He keeps mentioning how he wants to live with us, but we sadly can't take him in. I've already tried to emotionally come up with all the different ways we could but it results in the fact that 1. we don't want kids, 2. we don't have the money, time or energy for kids, 3. we are moving to a bigger apartment to have more room, and if we take a kid in it defeats the purpose of having more room.
We dropped him off at my mom's without visiting because I was pretty physically, mentally, and emotionally beat by this time of day. My nephew understood, but it caused my family to become self-conscious. I told them it was nothing personal, I just didn't feel well enough to visit, and I wanted to be home. I also took a while to text because what happened was a novel, and I get car sick if I try to read or be on my phone in a car.
That also turned into a disaster because my sister's mental state is back and forth on "she loves her husband." "She hates her husband." So she told him how upset my nephew was, and it turned into him being upset with me, thinking I was shit-talking about his sister... I don't have the time or energy to try to defend or insert myself into their petty adult drama. This caused me to start to resent my sister. Sure, I'm still sad she almost died, and while I should be happy she's still alive... her brain atrophy is EXHAUSTING... And all I can see are two grown adults who haven't held jobs in two years and have only cared about their marriage and their drinking. The kids are talked about and treated as possessions rather than listened to and cared for. My nephew also thinks that his stuff was hidden before we arrived because he said he had a lot more than that in his room. They probably wanted some sort of leverage to have him want to come home instead of having all of his things.
Let's fast forward. My nephew has his graduation, and of course, his dad doesn't show up. He claimed he was never told about it. (We all received an email about it, and he is listed in the CC list. That day after work, I took Juno and went to my mom's to try to build the bunkbed we got for him. It's a bed with a desk underneath for him to game at. I'm usually the one in my family to build things, so I figured it wouldn't be too hard. I used to have a bunk bed where the bottom bed was a futon that I took from apartment to apartment before I met Sheldon. Everything was going well until it came to the part of building the bed. It needed more than one person to build. My stepdad and the kids wanted to help, but they couldn't hold it still enough to keep it together. This caused my stepdad to question if I was following the instructions and to comment on how stupid it was of them to have it structured this way. It was a negative comment after comment. I became a little frustrated. I kept trying to come up with ways to make it work, and he would either respond with a negative comment about how he doesn't think it will work, or he wouldn't listen and make it worse. For example, I would say "okay lets gently SCOOT this over," and he lifted it up, and it fell apart, to where he would say "see this wasn't going to work." .... I said scoot.. not lift...
I asked my mom to get Juno some food because it was two hours past his dinner time. She asked my niece to. My niece ended up not getting him food, and my mom asked her why. She said she didn't understand what my mom meant by how many cups to use. My mom raised her voice in frustration and snapped at her. This triggered me from my own childhood. I told my mom it's okay and to not get mad if she didn't understand or ask for clarification. We needed to get going. I was only going to get four hours of sleep before work at this point. My nephew got Juno some food, so I said fine, I will try one more idea. I started on my idea, and my stepdad walked up and started lifting things and saying, "There's no way you'll be able to get this up after you finish building this. Just look," and this caused me to have an overstimulation meltdown. I said, "Okay, I need to go home," and as I was choking up, as I always do, I started picking things up and putting them in a corner. I said I will have Sheldon come and help me tomorrow after I'm off work.
He, of course, backpedaled, saying he wasn't trying to upset me, but I was tired.. I get up at 230 in the morning for work, work 10 hours, and come home to help with family stuff, only to have no help, a hungry/not paid attention to dog, and a need to sleep before doing it all over again. The next day, a different sister's husband came to help, and it was a little better, but I still would have had things completed much quicker if it were Sheldon. Sheldon was at work, and we finished with enough time for me to get home and rest that night at least. My stepdad seemed to come off a little sexist in terms of how easier it was for my brother-in-law to do it. But he still didn't listen to him much either when it came to "hold this" or "move over here." Either way, it got done, and the mattress was laid out to fluff up.
The mattress needed 48 hours to air out, so I took my nephew to stay with his sister for the weekend and give my mom a little bit of a break. I took him and his sister over to my mom's on Sunday. That was another adventure of its own. My nephew was so excited to try his bed. The second he lay down on it, my younger niece was asking him if she could go up there. My nephew's face said everything as he stayed quiet. He wanted his new bed to himself. My mom said, "You're being passive-aggressive by not answering your cousin." So I spoke up and said, "Let's let him have some time with his new bed. He's the only one here who hasn't had a real bed to sleep on. My niece huffed and went to her room, and my mom didn't comment. That day also dragged on because I've been paying for the kid's cell phone plans this entire time. I found a new plan that gives them unlimited texts, calls, and internet for $25 a month. $27 a month with scam call protection. So I had to go to each of their accounts and call, transfer their numbers to the new SIMs, and activate them. It took a few hours...
Then the following day, my nephew told me that his phone wasn't working. I had to have my stepdad bring him over, where I spent a couple of hours talking to someone from his old service to find out that his phone was never activated when we got it for him. They couldn't explain why or how that happened. Then I had to transfer his number back to his old SIM because that phone needs to have that companies sim card in it for at least one year before it can be used by any other plan. So, instead of buying him another new phone, it was cheaper to take the $27 loss on the new plan and set his old plan back up. Luckily, the new plan is a no-contract plan, so it could be cancelled at any time.
So yeah, it's been a shit show. I also ended up getting upset with my mom because my sick sister texted us that she just called her son a drama queen for crying over a cookie. I asked what happened. She said that he asked his cousin to get him a cookie, and his cousin told him no. So he got upset. My mom then replied that she just stormed out of her room and got after my niece for telling her cousin no. I intervened. I used the bed example in my response. I told them that the kids need to be taught that they are allowed to say no without the fear of being lectured or yelled at. I also mentioned that if a kid is told no, then they need to be taught that it's okay to be upset, but they need to respect that no. If we teach the kids to say yes all of the time, then they will not only learn to suppress their emotions to please others, but it also learn that having a tantrum when being told no is also okay. My niece didn't deserve to be yelled at for saying no, and my nephew didn't need to be called a drama queen for being upset.
This caused my mom and sister to complain a bout me verbally because my nephew thought that I was mad at him for crying about the cookie. I reassured him that I was not upset with him at all, and it was between the adults and me.
My mom said she's been working hard to teach the kids to share and get along. She just wants to make everyone happy. I told her that's an impossible goal to achieve. I grew up people pleasing to the point that I didn't know what boundaries were, and saying no to something felt mean and selfish. I don't want to see the kids go down the same route, especially when they are all neurodivergent with different parental backgrounds.
What other chaos did I forget to mention? The detectives dropped the case; they said that the police won't file any charges, and an attorney wouldn't take the case on. This has caused my sister's husband to believe that it's all dropped. However, it's not. The APS investigation is still open. I thought it was closed due to family miscommunication, but luckily, it is not. CPS has said that as long as the kids aren't in the home, they won't be taken to foster care. That leaves a huge grey area for custody. Either way, I've had to learn to step back and let my mom handle things because I can look things up for her or give advice until I'm out of breath, but the common pattern seems to be just wanting to complain about things while not doing anything. My only stress and fear is for my nephew at this point. I still want to properly grieve when my sister finally passes, but the person she is right now is not someone I can process grief over at this moment in time. Oh, and her husband keeps going back and forth about saying he's going to move her and their son to Texas or just take another loan out against the equity of their house. So I don't know what's up anymore.
He ended up sending a picture of himself with a 4-month AA chip. If he has been going to AA for four months, that would place him a little before they all were removed from the home. He also had stories during these last few months about how he can't go to AA without a job (not true). Or how he has a job at Burger King but couldn't go to his first day because APS put an ankle monitor on him (APS doesn't do house arrest). And the icing on the cake is the story about how he interviewed for an auto shop store manager position in a city about an hour to two hours out from where he lives. He said he has no experience with cars, but he can learn. Just bruh....
One final event is that my mom allowed him to take my sister and nephew to the pet store to make up for him missing his graduation. He bought my nephew two gold fish, in a temporary tank with weekend feeders.... Nothing else... My mom was kind to go get him a real tank with rocks and fake plants the next day. I got him a water conditioner, a net, and fish food. My sister sent her husband the photo, and he replied: "Your mom always has to one-up me." Dude... you set your autistic son up for failure... gold fish grow FAST! What did you want him to do? Let the fish die, and think he is bad at taking care of pets because his parents set him up for failure from the beginning?!
So yeah.. There you have it. No fun events, nothing exciting. Just me trying to survive right now. Sheldon had to remind me to put my phone down and give him and Juno some attention. I've been trying to focus on walks again with Juno. I know it's my release, even if inside I don't feel anything. I'm in a limbo where I can't nap; I just lie there. I'm reminding myself rest of any form is acceptable. I'm making sure I'm eating, I keep forgetting to, or when I am hungry, I'm making sure it's not out of emotion. I also have been trying different mental health apps just to have some form of structure... Nothing is hitting quite yet for me. We are preparing to move in June, so I'm reminding myself that cleaning isn't as big of a priority yet, but I will need to figure it out once we are unpacked.
I usually think of my days off as this: Sunday family day, Monday/Tuesday appointments, and cleaning. I usually like to have it all over with in one day to have another day to myself. However, taking a whole day to clean or have appointments can be exhausting. Sure, some people split cleaning up week by week or day by day, but I have to adjust the idea in my brain to where I feel okay with it. I just haven't figured it out yet. The finch app was fun, but now it's like Doulingo where I'm like.. meh..
I think that is all for now. I have no idea what else to type. Thank you for sticking with me and making it this far. I really do appreciate those of you who care to be in my life because I am an introvert who pushes people away when I get overstimulated, as well as someone who gets insecure if I come off as always stressed or complaining, etc. So I truly do appreciate you.
Counting my positives... My nieces and nephews all love me and want me to spend time with them. Juno still loves me and gives me all of the cuddles. Team Danner, you two are god-sends for me at work; you both have no idea. My nephew is super excited for me to meet his friends at his birthday party. Uhm... Sheldon's been a super loving and patient husband, and I feel bad that he has had my weight on his shoulders. My in-laws are still gems, and I have some friends who read this and understand that I haven't been social enough to text. So again... thank you. If I didn't mention anyone specifically reading this right now, please don't assume I'm not grateful for you either. I just have one very exhausted brain cell trying to hold it all together and keep me moving.
